sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No stitches, just platelets and will power
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
is wine microwaveable?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
