Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
