So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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