Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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