last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
