Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
