Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
