don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
