I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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