even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
