this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
