i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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