there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
