No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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