So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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