what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
