New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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