I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
organizing the empties. That sober.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
