just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
