he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
