oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
