i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
