We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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