What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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