Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
