please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
