I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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