Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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