"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
