if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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