i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
