I will die if light touches me.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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