Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just found puke in my bra..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
