I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
