Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
