tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
