I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
