no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
