Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
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