Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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