Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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