you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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