Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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