New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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