Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
