First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
