I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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