my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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