Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
