i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Randomize
